Vulnerability

We are convinced that one day our words will save us from our own misery. The psychological cycle which keep us trapped in a place of immediate gratification. Forgetting that nothing last long. Again, we gladly sit patiently to witness the output of our ignorance,stumpled by the fear of knowing our shortcomings and silently we choose to become a potrait hanged on the wall,admired by all. Why are we afraid to really feel our despair? We do not want to accept our vulnerability. Its a shame that we loathe the one thing that will bring us closer to understanding ourselves.

MY DARKNESS


Loneliness had allowed me to walk through darkest parts of my life.
It had taught me to pell off layers of myself which I chose to hide.
I am facing my own demons; I am no longer running away.
I’ve watched these walls of self-protection crumble down.
Allowing sadness to warm my heart, I feel so alive.
Strangely; this journey is transformative.
Slowly I am becoming my true self.
I am becoming more attentive.
This might sound destructive but nonetheless this time is crucial.
Crucial for becoming resistance and totally aware that this too shall pass.
An important gift you could give yourself.

My brokeness

Let me open the door of my supressed thoughts, memories and feelings.
Experienced passively and undoubtedly with the aim to break me into pieces.
I want to relive the same moment.
I want to feel the agony of lies, hate and harsh events.
I want to feel the loneliness curling me up within the darkness.
Seeing the depth of my brokeness
Leaving me starved for God’s salvation.
Paralysed by my ignorance.
Let me overdose on fake friends and fake laughter to numb this pain temporarily.
Indulge myself with sadness
Until I reach a point which all of these will be enough?
Then I shall carve words that are pleasant enough to suit your liking

We are never ever getting back together

I remember the bitter sweet taste of your lips when we kissed.
The lie you told when you said I was the only one

The forced laugh you uttered when I confronted you.

Your charming eyes drew me closer to the whirlpool of your narcissistic nature.

A confusing love portion which made me to see the saint in you. 

Drowned deeply into the darkest parts of your troubled soul. 

Normalized all your shortcoming because I was so forgiving and understanding.

Making promises that didnt materialize.

Truth be told…I am a sucker for cold hearted lover.

I was convinced that you came into my life with a bundle of hope and happiness.

I failed to notice the devil in you.

I am dealing with the injustice of your theatrical show you pulled when I was at my lowest.

Please dont come back with your excuses that you are now I changed man.

You admit your shortcomings and you are willing to do things right.

There is nothing to amend,

Thank you for bringing out the worst in me.

Thank you for changing me

Now I know the devil doesnt have horns and a tail.

The real devil is right here standing next to me.

Breathing the air that I breathe.

Space between

Wherever we go
We still find each other
Though we remain broken colour wax crayons
We still colour our darkest hours apart with our love.
The space between our strange connection.
We found our comfort through the river which overflows with heartfelt memories.
All the shared kisses and tender touch consume me
Reawaken the desire that contains me
You summoned me to reach deeper into the depth of my longings.
Your closeness brought a pleasant shiver of my body.
Begging me to lose myself…be in the moment.
You know how to ignite the fire of love that burns inside me.
When I’ve tasted your sweetness to curb my thirst and hunger,
You became my secret habit.
I clung to you like a baby on his mother’s back.
I hated you and also loved you.
Please dont leave me,
Im not sure I can survive the agony of losing you again.

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A visit

We sat there in silence,
Eyes locked into each other.
Held captive by the intensity of lust found between us.
The fires that burns our clothing,leaving our bodies bare
Words clung to our mouths, remained unsaid.
Our bodies drowned into the stream of endless yearning.
Telling us to surrender to the heat that suffocate the room.
I began to question your intentions
Leaving the doors of disappointments and regrets open.
This journey we are about to take is very familiar
Tender kisses drawing us closer to the truth.
The truth that fails to restore our self-worth.
Our facade shall give us the chance to engage with our fantasies.
Leading us to taste the sweetness of lies we tell ourselves.
Experience the short-lived euphoria
We are broken souls;sinners and waiting for salvation.
Its a pity that you never intended to stay for long.
You are just another drifter,you feel much alive when you get lost.

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I wish I was a bird.

Birds cannot be caged for too long. They need to engage with the outside world for survival purposes. They have wings. Therefore, wings gives them the reason to fly. I know that some of you would argue that some birds don’t fly. It is worth noting that this piece of narration only consider the birds which can only fly. Flying is part of their DNA, they cannot deny the gift they have been given by God. Flying is their unique identity and it is part of their reality. I wish I was a bird. I just want to fly freely through the air, allow the air to fill my lungs, look at the world from above, appreciate the view from the upper glimpse and just get a different view for a change but I guess I cannot be a bird, I am only just a human being. Pulled down by the force of gravity and seeing the world around me from the below angle. Lately; no…..for so long I have been feeling like a caged bird. Locked around steel bars and seeing only what is placed in front of me. I couldn’t see what lies beyond the sun rays lighting up my room during the day, I couldn’t feel the chilly breeze of the late afternoon and I couldn’t see the face of the person who had placed me behind these bars. The only memory I have of him, is his scent which covered the room during feeding hours and the shadow which quickly faded through the walls during the night. I remained blinded for years. Until I decided to push myself, challenge myself even further by actually studying the unknown shadow which kept visiting me. I allowed change to torture me. As painful as it feels; I began to be actively involved in the activities happening around me. I absorbed everything and also questioned everything. This decision led me to discover so many things. Things which remained hidden for such a long time. The revelation began when I looked at my own reflection on the mirror and asked myself one question: IS IT WORTH IT? Time and time again I tried convincing
myself that the discovery journey will be less painful and remorseful if I push myself harder. Again, all of this could end if I get my freedom. I realised that I needed to break free from the cage I have been held in. This could only be achieved if I opened old wounds, revisit past memories and open doors that have been locked for such a long time. Therefore, I approached the shadow which haunted me for years. I kindly asked him to let me go, to give me the keys. Ohh hell yeah…. He was surprised that now I have the confidence to ask him because he believed that he owned me like some kind of private property. I wouldn’t survive without him but he was wrong. He didn’t know the real me so he tossed the keys to the floor, I unlocked myself out. Then I was free. You would assume that I was happy to finally get my freedom. Honestly I was happy until I found out that there’s a price to pay after I got my freedom.

I will tell you about it…someday.

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